I know I haven't been blogging personally(as in my private life) and revealing things about myself on my OWN blog. Comical isn't it? Don't get too excited yet people. Hold your horses! I know I'm kind of a really like acting kinda cool(sort of) kind of person and I seem like to be really... how would you phrase it? Like a very mysterious but somehow common and not so mysterious(afterall) and extraordinary(afterall) kind of a person. (okay! thats like from my point of view about myself-don't laugh)
Right now you people must be thinking like.. 'OMG! I must so so SO read on cause she might be revealing her love life(once again) after so long.' or maybe like 'who's she crushing on now' or 'she's boasting to the world about her boyfriend, since all her friends got one' or 'what is happening to her friends and her social life right now' . Alright people! Thats it! I told you to hold your horses cause thats all TOTALLY NOT! what I am going to blog about today.
My relationship with God:
Actually, if you people do not know I actually begin to skip church during Ns as well as after Ns for a while and used the "O-level" year as an excuse for not attending cell and service. Soon the cell separated cause there wasn't really any growth. I was posted to another cell. A different cell, with different environment, different surroundings, different people and a different atmosphere. I attended for a while and it wasn't regular. Soon, I left, I drifted away from God, a real far place even I can't express how far it was. Dryness overwhelmed me. And after I met ___, the further I drifted apart, cause I actually felt that there was no space for me at all(but it's entirely not true) and that particular person actually made me feel that I had no place to stand in this planet. At that point of time, my friends weren't any close to spirituality, they, were all the same. I began to doubt my own faith. The picture of God, did not come close neither did the thought. Then, it was bye to quiet times, bye to church and bye to God. I have never ever thought that I would go this way.
You could just see a different Joy. A very very very different Joy. (p.s/ you girls would not see it cause my times are spent with you all) From a ... 'omg don't say that word!' to a ... ' !@#$%^&' and like every other punk (yes! I am using that word against me, myself and I[only]) I included !@#$%*&^%$# in every single sentence I could. It became a habit, a life thing and then in my books of vocabulary. At times, when I get pissed with my mother(to be honest) I use it on her. I'M SORRY MOM! I LOVE YOU! She even reprimanded me on it and yelled, and screamed her lungs right out into my hearing system. Every Saturday would be a 'shopping', 'hanging out', 'studying', 'slacking around' day for me since then. Home on late nights smelling like a dirt and a chee-ko-pei. A totally bad lifestyle! My money ran faster this way, bad lifestyle really bad bad lifestyle. haha But believe it or not, I foolishly led that lifestyle. And I don't want to elaborate on it anymore.
Now, Joy is recovering?! and is better than before definitely.
I know some of you are going to think like omg you can't lead that kind of lifestyle?! ...you just lost your coolness!!! and like what you think that was bad? omg you cheeken neeh neh.. ... you just lost your coolness!!! But I was thinking, if I'm going to tell the world about my awesome primary school best friend(still is!) why not.
The truth is, I ever thought of just leaving and be gone with it, again and again, thinking that I have never had a moment with God. How sinful can this thought be?
This is what I have been struggling with. My absence in church and cell do not seem to affect me anymore. And recently, I have actually pulled myself to attend cell once again. On Saturday(last), the following day, I went to Ngee Ann Poly's open house(as posted in previous post) and there were bands playing, local bands playing. They were awesome and fab. I wanted to stay till all bands have played. A part of me tells me to stay and a part of me tells me to go to church. I hesitated and I was proud that I left and splurge to take a cab in order not to be late. I enjoyed myself. I felt the old times coming back. When I was on fire and thirsting for the Holy Spirit. Paying attention during service, felt the presence and everything else.
So after service on Sat(last), foofoo had a small talk with us. Thoughts ran through my mind, tiny thoughts. One task he held to us was to have a revelation and share it with the other team members once every end of the month. Seriously, I pondered over it and I was like.. oh shit! Like what am I to say when the time comes... It seriously bothered me.
But I guess God really wants to speak to me. Cause Tabbo, Tabitha(her real name) has always been really busy and I've known Tabitha a little longer than Vanessa cause of her sister and my cousin. Then we've been just hi-bye friends till we were in the same class in primary four and then she switched school. Since then, till now, we still keep in contact, quite frequent and love hanging out together, don't we? haha I have always "bullied" Tabbo(isn't it right?see I'm admitting haha) calling her aunty and all, like doing favours. haha Tabbo/Tabby/Tab/Tapoica(my mom calls her that)/Tappy have been really busy since who knows when. And recently she called me up to go CNY shopping and all PLUS we've got Sarah's farewell and stuff to meet up. So recently was like calls and texts from Tabbo, msn chats. Just, just now(that made me blog) she like shared a h2h conversation and showed me an e-mail she sent to someone. She actually shared her personal walk with God to that ahem and I was actually woken up to what my thoughts have been. She gave me the feel and made me realise of how far I have drifted away from God. She has also knocked me in the head, telling me, that God is to be 1st in everything I do. And also not to rush things in life as if God meant to make life this way for you, live it! And her message to her friend seems like a message towards me, it feels as if He Himself is speaking to me. (mind if I quote, Tab) "i pray you'll continue to go after Him and never stop seeking Him. even if you stop seeking Him, He'll always run after you cos you're his child. (: i pray that everyday, you'll be conscious of how you live your life that will be a lovesong to Him everyday. i also pray that nothing will ever stop you from growing in Him and finding intimacy with Him...even if it means giving up certain things in your life which may be very dear to you... because at the end of the day, the one and only person you can count on is Jesus." These words meant like a world to me, although it wasn't directed to me. I felt really encouraged and blessed to have a friend like her. That e-mail(not directed to me) was just a conversation between me and her about certain matter and it turned out to be ... I'm amazed.
Thanks Tab! I love you many many! See you on Tuesday(:
I believe that I can grow stronger from now on and like I hope and really really pray that I would not hide from God beyond any circumstances.
Hope you enjoyed reading. Love you peeps as well. Much blessings!
-joy.
